Valentine’s day is a day that most couples celebrate their love and for others this day is a painful reminder of the love they wished they had.
Whether you find yourself happy or sad today, I challenge you to think about your “love code” – a.k.a the way you love based off your love history. Why today? Because for most of us this day forces us to reminisce and think about a significant person or moment. Our love code is something that can help us as well as others to understand why we react the way we do in relationships.
When I discovered the combination to my love code, I was surprised to learn what lied dormant in my heart. Some stuff I thought I got over and other stuff I suppressed and forgot about. There was also a few “aha moments” that freed me from being so hard on myself. Eventually, I was able to articulate to my boyfriend’s or a love one, why I respond the way I do in certain situations. I am going to share a few examples from “my combination” that makes up love code.
Anti-trust COMBINATION: 2005.2009.2012.2015
In relationships, I have a hard time with trusting my significant other when he does not communicate as frequently as I would like. I’ve often found myself frustrated and obsessing over negative “what if’s.” “What is he doing now? Why hasn’t he called me back all day? Is he seeing someone else? Does he think I’m stupid?!….the insanity continues to evolve to the point where my obsession changes my mood for the entire day. In those moments I feel powerless. Often times, I get disgusted with myself for allowing myself to become so consumed with the “what if’s” while my priorities for the day takes a back seat. Looking back, I realize that I’ve subconsciously made him my god in those moments; and his whereabouts my priority. Can you say, “TOTALLY UNHEALTHY!” When this is happening I feel justified…why? Because his actions is going against my love code. His actions is unlocking a dark part of my past that looks similar to what I’ve experienced before – betrayal.
Sometimes, my accusations in my past relationships were true and sometimes that were “False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR).” In these instances, I was responding out of fear that my past was repeating itself. So, how did I stop this obsession of fear from overtaking my mind and paralyzing my life? By decoding my love patterns and obtaining emotional control.
The only way to obtain emotional control is by deciding that your emotional well-being is more valuable than loosing your mind. No one is worth your sanity. If you are confident that someone if being unfaithful or taking you for granted, do yourself a favor and let them go! It won’t be easy, but start with emotionally detaching yourself from the idea of “what it could be if I stay.” Love them from a distance. Start focusing on things that make you happy and free. Pray for self-control. Emotionally fight to release the relationship by reminding yourself that your investments into the relationship will not make him or her change their behavior. It’s not worth your health nor your sanity. Take it from me, I’ve dealt with deep rooted resentment that damaged my ability to trust, which caused me to lash out on people who truly loved me. I discovered that my actions was a result of bitterness and self-hatred…not only because he hurt me, but because I knew I deserved better and stayed in the relationship anyway.
The Struggle to Love Again COMBINATION: 05.06.09.12.14.15.16
On the flip side of this, when I encountered a good man who is loving and loves God, I found myself rejecting his love because it goes against what I am use to. So, I end up subconsciously sabotaging the relationship by becoming distant from the relationship or accusing him of doing inappropriate things. This was my way of protecting myself just in case my assumptions were true. The funniest thing is, even if it was true – rejecting him before finding out the truth, would not make the heartbreak hurt any less. Pushing good men away was my defense mechanism until I was convinced that my heart was safe in a relationship. I didn’t realize what I am doing until the truth came out that I was indeed overreacting. After being called out on my behavior, I begin to search inwardly for reasons why I am rejecting love. Well, the reasons were more complex than I’d assume. It had more to do with me than it had to do with my relationships that went wrong. Yes, my relationships played a role in my love deficiencies, but how I dealt with the outcome of my relationships was solely in my control. I did not realize I had that power to heal myself. Each time I was heartbroken, I internalized my feeling and blamed my ex for crippling my ability to love again. In retrospect, I’ve realized that I gave my ex too much power during our relationship, and after the relationship ended as well. Something was seriously wrong with that! I began to ask myself, “What was it about him that kept me in the relationship although I knew he wasn’t good for me? What was it about him that kept me hostage from moving forward unless he apologized for what he did?” The answer is simple…he filled a void in my life that no one else filled before (including God). I subconsciously made him “my god.” Of course I did not see it that way while I was in the relationship, nor after the relationship ended . But after repeating the same love pattern in different relationships, the only common denominator was me.
The soul searching began after experiencing the same disappointments over and over again. When I was ready, the Lord challenged me to look in the mirror even while I was heartbroken. Little by little, I began to view my past in a different light. I forgave myself for past mistakes, and became more intrigued with understanding my love code.
Loving Myself Differently COMBINATION: 2015.2016
I am still decoding my love code today. For the past year, I have been studying what my voids/needs are. What are they? Why do I have them? When did I develop them and why? How can I fill them outside of a relationship?
Don’t get me wrong. Some voids will be filled through healthy relationships and some flaws will be accepted by someone who really cares for us. Relationships are meant to help us learn something about ourselves as well as expose our idiosyncrasies. However, it is not someone else’s responsibility to decode our self-worth and teach us how to love ourselves in the best way; that responsibility is ours and God’s.
Why is it our responsibility? It is our responsibility because we know our limits and our history. If you meet someone new today and begin dating, only you will have the key to your complexities, needs, desires, and aspirations – so it would be your responsibility to give them access to who you are. However, be mindful of when you disclosure your secrets – there is always an appropriate time to share them. Determine if they’ve earned the right to have access to your heart. I think it’s self-explanatory why is it God’s responsibility to teach us how to love ourselves – because He created us.
Some people we meet can instantly pick up some of our idiosyncrasies, but it doesn’t mean they fully know our value or will be willing to treat us the way we deserve. It’s our job to make sure they do, so that we can decide if this journey is seasonal or for a lifetime.
I know I’m guilty of holding back “my crazy” or being transparent about my insecurities, in fear of being rejected or accused of low self-esteem. But I subscribe to letting it all hang out! It’s best for him or her to know what type of relationship they are getting into.
Transparency is not easy! Sometimes I’ve shutdown out of fear. That’s normal because we all are human. No one likes being vulnerable. At the same time, transparency helps me to be okay with being myself whether he stays or leaves. Both of us will either cut our losses or determine that this relationship is worth the risks and investment. #AWinWinSituation
Whether we are single or in an exclusive relationship, it is vital that we pay attention to our own love patterns while we are dating or in a relationship because they reveal our love capabilities and deficiencies. Love patterns are repetitive actions that are expressed in a relationship after being triggered by an initial experience. Some patterns are healthy and others could be counterproductive. For example, one of my healthy love pattern’s is quality expression – whether it is quality time or a thoughtful gift that expresses my love and appreciation for that particular person. On the other hand, one of my counterproductive love pattern’s is over giving – I end up becoming resentful and bitter because someone did not give in the same capacity as I had given to them. This love pattern taught me to pay attention to why I give and how give – both questions challenged me to change the way I give.
When I became self-aware of my love patterns, it freed me from expecting someone to immediately understand my complexities but rather I would be the one who disclosures my complexities when they are triggered or unlocked.
FEBRUARY 2016 FOCUS
“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” John 8:32
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23
It’s my job to come to terms with the “issues of life” that possess my heart and make peace with each one with the Lord’s help. #Healing
It’s my job to protect the qualities that I posses and never devalue them. #Standards
Once I do, I will guard my heart and only grant access to those who have earned the privilege. ~Ms. BroadwayTherapy
“Resisting the Tar that Covers My Heart”
This is a canvas I painted to express my desire to love again without any reservations.